That is exactly how one of my former co-workers referred to my now former place of employment.
Anyone who’s been following us since, well, ever, probably picked up on the sense of being trapped in a soul-sucking corporate day job. Along with this came the belief that reliance on said day job was absolutely essential.
Then, one day, a revelation occurred in the office. Said revelation involved several co-workers coming to the conclusion that our lives, our souls, were worth more than the paltry sum we were earning every other week. Supposed security came at the cost of sanity — and security had become an antiquated notion. The final nail in the coffin for me personally came one day when I was told that yes, our company sucked, but every company sucked right now and if I didn’t like it, I could leave.
So guess what?
And I have never been more thrilled or terrified in my life. The job hunting game is a much different playing field than the last couple times I entered it, and my financial cushion is not as fluffy as it should be. Still, no one who has left my former place of employment, voluntarily or not, has become homeless so there’s a good track record for escapees.
All this to say, absence from the blog has been a combination of not wanting to subject readers to the drudgery of my mind those last few months of corporate hell, and spending the last month trying to regain a sense of self — remembering who the hell I am, and wondering if the person I thought I was, or could be, even exists.
Unemployment gives way to more existential thoughts than I ever thought possible (accompanied by super fun panic attacks), and this from someone who is on a constant train of self-reflection. It also reveals holes in your perceived expertise of personal time management. Give me a project and a deadline and I’m on it. Give me the jumbled schedules of twenty people and ask me to find a cohesive rehearsal plan with it, and your calendar is now my bitch. Stretch out days in my path with nothing but the pursuit of a new career and all life’s possibilities, and I freeze… and panic… and wonder how I spent years catering to other people with near-flawless precision when I can’t even make a budgeted weekly meal plan for myself.
Truth is, scheduling other people’s lives is much easier than doing it for yourself. It’s the main reason most people who can afford them have assistants — sadly, they just get so dependent on other people doing virtually everything, they forget how to function and learn new things on their own.
Thus, in this crazy new world of unemployment — Have I mentioned that I haven’t actually been unemployed or out of school for longer than a month my entire life? Yeah. That’s another fun thing to be dealing with from an emotional standpoint. Anyway, prioritizing myself with basically limitless possibilities is completely foreign to me, and in some ways I’m looking at it as building a great new skill. You know, when the anxiety attacks pass and I curb the impulse to drink and/or sleep away my days out of fear.
There’s a whole world out there waiting for my expertise — it just doesn’t know it yet. Time for me to start showing the world how desirable I truly am.